Sunday, December 7, 2008

My Date with Lauren Conrad: A Night in The Hills

Ya know, I wish I could claim LA to be so fucking fantastic and glamorous that you don't know what you're doing living anywhere else, buuuuttttt, and that's a big butt, I'm not one to bust a nut over celebrities and the high life. Half of these girls are trying to be someone they're not but since they might be pretty they think they're automatically able to act or sing. None of them are worth a minute of a good guy's time because they're shallow and lack self esteem. I could never kiss some guy's ass because he may know someone that could be of benefit to me, and that's what seems to be the case in most friendships. I had a great friend at work when I first got here. A younger guy then myself, he was a triathlete like me and had a sarcastic sense of humor. We would chill at work after hours and just talk about life and ideas while putting golf balls in my bosses office.

One night he invited me out to a party with his girlfriend Lo and this girl Lauren. We drove from his apartment to Lo's house where her and Lauren live together. The security guard at the door let us in. I think Christian mentioned the house used to belong to James Dean or Marlon Brando, I forget which, but his name was definitely Christian. I knew these were the girls from TV show "The Hills" before going in but a human is the same as you and me, so I didn't care what they had, but how down to earth and cool they were. The door swings open to some dog pissing on the floor. No one's in sight but a house lacking sufficient furniture or any real decorating. I'm thinking to myself..."they have no idea what an amazing house this is and looks like garbage." We hear Lo yelling down the stairs, hey guys, come on up. Before we get to the top we're greeted with big hugs from Lo and a warning to not look into her room because it's a grizzly mess. Right off the bat, she at least has the worry in the back of her mind that her room is embarrassing and that it wouldn't be a fine representation of her. It's the people that don't even acknowledge their room resembles Hiroshima that worry me. C and I head downstairs to fix a drink having not met Lauren yet. We heard her off in the distance from a conversation deflected off a tiled bathroom wall, but no intro as of yet. C already knew her for a while having dated Lo, and he always had great shit to say about her. That she was really smart and awesome to talk to. Sooo, I expected someone awesome. When she came down it was a bit awkward...conversation was light and fruity, and before I could say "you wanna leave" we grabbed a cab to the party. It was a birthday being held for Lauren's agent, Kevin Todd. You couldn't have met a nicer dude than Kevin. He literally opened the door for Lauren from our cab and shuffled us in to avoid the red carpet, and yet it was his birthday. I look to my left at the first table where we're sitting. There's Lindsay Lohan and that Ronson boy. And then to my right, Paris, Nikki and the Good Charlotte twins. I thought to myself, so this is what an LA party is all about. We park our asses and Kevin's trying to take our drink order but I pleaded to get it myself since he didn't even know me. As the night sped on I kneeled next to our table since there wasn't enough cushioned seating around it. There was a step up before you sit and since it fell directly under the table, I just kneeled and pitched a Willow character's stance against the tabletop. It's not like my knees were on the nightclub's floor, plus I had told Kevin to sit because he just kept standing next to our table and yet it was his party, so I moved. That was when Lauren actually laughed and asked me if I was kneeling, because no one seemed to notice. No conversation really came of it since the music was blasting but later in the night, Christian, Lo and I chilled under a big outdoor canopy and just talked it up. Lo turned out to be a great girl. Very funny, straightforward but willing to listen. She has a part in a show that's meant to mislead you. They make her out to be a bitch, but this girl is any girl you grew up with. Finally we decided to leave but Christian and Lo disappeared. As Lauren had me leave the club first to get into the cab outside, a few bodyguards rushed her past paparazzi and fans who actually were there asking for autographs. She signed a few before getting in the car but there was still no sign of Lo and C. As the cab moved away from snapping photos we saw two homeless figures about 50 yards up the street standing on the sidewalk and swaying like palm trees in the Santa Ana winds. They were so drunk that they hobbled outside and somehow didn't get swarmed by cameras since they went out another door. When I yelled out to them to get in, all the cameramen started running towards us and lighting the entire cab up with pictures. Lo turned up the volume on her middle finger and Lauren apologized to Christian as he was all pissed because he hates all that. I'm sitting there thinking, this is ridiculous. Im not even drunk. As we got back to the house C and Lo disappeared again, and I was in the kitchen with Lauren. She was sitting on the ground in front of her refrigerator and fumbling through frozen pizzas. I was looking around at her huge kitchen thinking to myself, I wonder if this girl has ever even cooked a dinner in this place. Her parents must be really proud of her. I wonder if she even thinks about family and a life beyond this show. She has it all, and this can't be what she continually looks forward to. I was annoyed and over getting tanked by the time my junior year in college came around. My frat house and my soccer guys both didn't appeal to me anymore because I'd been there, done that. And tonight was nothing off the charts and we're beyond college, so is this how these people are? I had to ask her a serious question because I really didn't care anymore what she thought of me as I knew, and she would agree, we had no connection. "What do you want out of life Lauren?" Not looking at her, I hoped she'd give me something philosophical....anything intellectual, maybe even a line that would be worth me making eye contact. But no, she said "I've got it all."

Laughing in my head at such an unsurprising remark, I felt better knowing she was only 5 feet from the pee her dog had left earlier that night. As I answered "right.....", she excused herself to go upstairs and throw-up. Seriously. Sitting alone in her kitchen I thought to myself, this is what LA is all about, and it's no different than any other night so don't fool yourself. You're really not missing anything.

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