Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Mantourage - Finally the serious questions from Mario Lopez

How many guys is an ok number for a girl to have slept with before dating her?

First off this is a question you're never going to ask on your first date so therefore you will already have given this girl a shot and may not want to know such details. Nor should she know your number. It's none of her business and no one's honestly happy afterwards unless the lie you told them is a number less than the number they've actually been with in their head. I mean, what if you're a re-born Christian and you've seen the light of your gonorrhean ways. Those habits are in the past and there's no need to work at the deli anymore when you know your way around. Mario Lopez asks the question and then does some crunches off set before listening to his guest hosts react. Keep in mind these guys aren't your cute next door neighbor Bobby who comes by and mows your lawn when he's done with his parents'. There was some pro football player, that guy O'Connoll from The Bachelor (whom we all know better for his brother who's currently with Rebecca Romaine and gorgonzola). I say currently with and not married because the woman has already dumped a stage hand Beach Boy for a guy who's best acting was a minute-long burp in Can't Hardly Wait. And then there was some guy via satellite who was most likely backstage with a green screen because there's no way he was too cool to show up for this intellectual set of Peter Jennings questions.

"Fifty is my max," the football player yells over the chatter amongst them.

And believe me, I thought The View was a battle to get your word in amongst "bocking" pigeons. This was like yelling at a Giants game, you couldn't hear shit before Mario would interrupt with the same line over and over again, "moving right along." But before he did that, he squealed at "fifty." He said more like "ten" is my max for her! He starts breaking down the numbers with a calculator. "Okay, so let's say she's been with 20 guys and she's 30 years old. That's like a guy every year!....nope not cool", he says. My jaw dropped. First because Mario would flunk the tv-show "Are you smarter than a fifth grader?" and second because this guy is a Z-List celebrity and yet he says his number for her is ten?! Then that begs the question, what's his number? You cant be strict with her and be a hypocrite yourself...I mean, you can but that's a dick move, pun intended. I bet his co-anchors for the night were like "dude, come on M-Dawg, your dick's not sitting idle for one chick a year.................is it?.......Mario?? Give me a wink if you're kidding......."

Reason #1 that I know he's lying: If buddies of mine have been with 50 to 100 girls and I can think of a few in particular that rock the century mark(by the way im 27).....then Mario fucking Lopez, and his band of burritos are not sitting shrimp cock-tail on a bowl of ice waiting to be grabbed. My boys are not celebs and are not on television.

Reason#2 that I know he's lying: Later in the show he agrees that once you're 30 years old your game gets tighter and you know what you want. You lose your jealousies and you're care-free, which I agree is true for myself. Also, at one point he mentions he's been in a lot of rip-roaring relationships with women who like to argue and fight......and may I quote him again, " I have a tendency towards these women because the sex is sooo good."

Are you telling me Marry-Oh (as us Longguylanders say it ) that the women you're nut-n-bolting are amazing at sex yet they have less experience than a senior in college? You're outta your Mantouragin mind. I bet you're quadruple centurian status you scalawag. You should add your coming out number as a hidden scene or blip in your new workout video like in Fight Club where they two-second your junk in between Aladdin's monkey stealing bread. There's Mario dubbing over the dialogue...."the number is..."

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